Living, Not living, and Wanting to die: Battle for the soul of a Bipolar
There seems to be a popular trend among physicians in this day and time. Psychological evaluations almost always end with a label placed on the "patient" and an enormous amount of stigma follows. I was labeled "Bi Polar" in 1997….I must honestly say, it is much easier to adhere to a label, than live with this illness. For those of you that have been unjustly labeled as something you are not, count your blessings; For those of you that live the life of a Manic Depressive, my heart goes out to you.
I have struggled quite a bit over the past few years. I have battled depression that has driven me to the point of suicide….and elation that has made my skin crawl with delight. I have been from the highest peak to the lowest depths and everywhere in between. Would I change anything that I have gone through? Even I have a hard time answering that, as I have learned a great deal about myself. I don’t know if "normal" people could understand the amount of soul searching and insight that comes from living so near the edge. All I have are memories and experience of where I have been inside my own head. I owe a great deal of my strengths and attributes to my battles. "That which doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger"… Undeniable scientific theory has given us the evidence to support the case that only the strong survive. I am living proof.
Many of you that are reading my words are struggling with your emotions, weather you are depressed, manic, psychotic… or anywhere in between. I too was once like you… fighting for my soul and a life that I once had. I gave up many times and stayed in the dark where I was safe, sometimes for years at a time. One day I made an attempt to open the blinds and let in the light… I was ready to accept all that I had been through, and was ready for a new life. I was just so broken down and beaten, I didn’t know how to take that first step… Sort of that same feeling you get when your house is a disaster.. and you don’t know what to clean first.
That’s when I was touched by angel. I was literally awakened inside by something. I have a very supportive family, a beautiful daughter and many things that I appreciate. But this angel was different. This person knew of my struggles, my dreams, my desires, my strengths, and my weaknesses. Not only had he walked in my shoes, but he had the blisters to prove it! The very same individual that created this website is the one that I will never forget. He helped me find the light. Light in a place where I thought none existed.
I have made some dramatic changes in my life. Above all, I want to live. That in itself is the greatest achievement I could ever have made at such a time in my life.
To the angel who guided me to light in utter darkness. I will never forget the time, energy and dedication you have given me. For everything that I hope to accomplish, you will always be with me. For the life you have restored in me, its value is priceless.
What is a friend? A
single soul in two bodies - Aristotle
Its not everyday a person comes along who can have such a big impact on every part of your life in such a short period of time. I know in one sense we are an ocean apart, but in every way that is important..you are right here with me. Brick by brick the wall is coming down Steve and although sometimes i get a little frightened by it, I like what I see on the other side. I have you to thank for that. I am blessed to have a friend who can accept me without judgement, who can make me see the sun on the darkest of days and who can love so unconditionally. I am blessed to have you in my life Steve. Love always x Anne
Steve Just a quick message to say that sorry I have not been in touch - I am still doing fine and pacing myself - also really enjoying working as a real vet thanks to you - so I am really grateful for everything you did for me - I would happily write a testimonial for your web site if that would be useful. I hope you and your family are well and that the sun is shining over there. Very best wishes Nick
"I really hope I can get to the point where you are very soon. I did make a "web page" through AOL but have always wanted one, not really for my business but more of a personal page. I am not really a computer person although I work online all day. Since I dance I wanted that type of a format as well as about the books etc. I did put an ad in the Yellow pages online last week because it was free. I should change my subject to a different name - it sounds rather bizarre doesn't it? I just have to take your advice and change my focus a bit. I was just on TV, prime time two months ago and I am sending you a picture taken during filming with the producer and the correspondent doing the story so you have a face to go with my crazy E-mails. You know It is really funny that I look at my picture and don't see myself (do you know what I mean). Right now it seems like I am looking at someone else. (Boy am I in trouble! )" Claudia
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